Bill, Jim, and Scott
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the
elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75
flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott,
let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on
something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing
songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the
way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.
At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad
stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room
key in the car!"
Tuesday, 20 September 2011
2 cucumbers - peeled, thinly sliced
1/2 small red onions, thinly sliced
2 cups of cherry tomatoes, halved
1/2 cup of feta cheese
Sweet & Tangy Vinaigrette recipe
1/2 pound of cooked pasta (optional - not pictured)
Combine all ingredients together and toss with vinaigrette. Best when marinates for 1 hour in the refrigerator before serving, if possible
Classic Sweet & Tangy Vinaigarette
1/2 cup of olive oil
1/2 cup of white wine vinegar
1/4 cup of sugar
1 teaspoon of dried italian seasoning
1 teaspoon of sea salt
1/2 teaspoon of black pepper
Stir all of the ingredients together.
MY MUM USED TO READ THIS TO ME
By Hilaire Belloc MANY MOONS AGO
(1870-1953) JIM
Who ran away from his Nurse and was eaten by a Lion.
There was a Boy whose name was Jim
His friends were very good to him
They gave him tea and cakes and jam
And slices of delicious ham
And chocolate with pink inside
And little tricycles to ride
And read him stories through and through
And even took him to the zoo
But there it was the dreadful fate
Befell him, which I now relate.
You know, or at least you ought to know
For I have often told you so
That children never are allowed
To leave their Nurses in a crowd
Now this was Jim's especial Foible
He ran away when he was able
And on this inauspicious day
He slipped his hand and ran away!
He hadn't gone a yard when - Bang!
With open Jaws, a lion sprang
And hungrily began to eat
The boy, beginning at his feet
Now, just imagine how it feels
When first your toes and then your heels
And then by gradual degrees
Your shins and ankles, calves and knees
Are slowly eaten, bit by bit
No wonder Jim detested it!
No wonder that he shouted "Hi"
The Honest Keeper heard his cry
Though very fat he almost ran
To help the little gentleman
"Ponto!" he ordered as he came
(For Ponto was the Lion's name)
"Ponto!" he cried, with angry frown
"Let go, Sir! Down, Sir! Put it down!"
The Lion made a sudden stop
He let the Dainty Morsel drop
And slunk reluctant to his cage
Snarling with disappointed rage
But when he bent him over Jim
The Honest Keeper's eyes were dim
The Lion having reached his head
The miserable boy was dead!
When Nurse informed his parents, they
Were more concerned than I can say
His Mother, as she dried her eyes
Said "Well, it gives me no surprise
He would not do as he was told!"
His Father, who was self-controlled
Bade all the children round attend
To James's miserable end
And always keep a-hold of Nurse
For fear of finding something worse
By Hilaire Belloc MANY MOONS AGO
(1870-1953) JIM
Who ran away from his Nurse and was eaten by a Lion.
There was a Boy whose name was Jim
His friends were very good to him
They gave him tea and cakes and jam
And slices of delicious ham
And chocolate with pink inside
And little tricycles to ride
And read him stories through and through
And even took him to the zoo
But there it was the dreadful fate
Befell him, which I now relate.
You know, or at least you ought to know
For I have often told you so
That children never are allowed
To leave their Nurses in a crowd
Now this was Jim's especial Foible
He ran away when he was able
And on this inauspicious day
He slipped his hand and ran away!
He hadn't gone a yard when - Bang!
With open Jaws, a lion sprang
And hungrily began to eat
The boy, beginning at his feet
Now, just imagine how it feels
When first your toes and then your heels
And then by gradual degrees
Your shins and ankles, calves and knees
Are slowly eaten, bit by bit
No wonder Jim detested it!
No wonder that he shouted "Hi"
The Honest Keeper heard his cry
Though very fat he almost ran
To help the little gentleman
"Ponto!" he ordered as he came
(For Ponto was the Lion's name)
"Ponto!" he cried, with angry frown
"Let go, Sir! Down, Sir! Put it down!"
The Lion made a sudden stop
He let the Dainty Morsel drop
And slunk reluctant to his cage
Snarling with disappointed rage
But when he bent him over Jim
The Honest Keeper's eyes were dim
The Lion having reached his head
The miserable boy was dead!
When Nurse informed his parents, they
Were more concerned than I can say
His Mother, as she dried her eyes
Said "Well, it gives me no surprise
He would not do as he was told!"
His Father, who was self-controlled
Bade all the children round attend
To James's miserable end
And always keep a-hold of Nurse
For fear of finding something worse
Ingredients
For the pastry
320g/11oz plain flour
225g/8oz ice-cold butter
110g/4oz icing sugar
3 free-range egg yolks
For the filling
6 Cox or 4 Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored and cut into 8-12 wedges
¼ lemon
110g/4oz caster sugar
110g/4oz butter
To serve
double cream or vanilla ice cream
Preparation method
Preheat the oven to 250C/500F/Gas 9.
First, make the pastry. In a food processor, mix the flour, butter and icing sugar just until they resemble breadcrumbs. Add the egg yolks and, using the pulse button, mix until it comes together in a dough.
Remove the dough from the mixer bowl and divide into two pieces. Wrap in clingfilm and put in the freezer to chill for at least an hour.
For the filling, place the apple wedges in a bowl, squeeze the lemon juice over them and toss them gently.
Sprinkle 85g/3oz of the sugar in a heavy-bottomed pan and place on the hob over a medium heat, turning the pan frequently and making sure the sugar doesn't burn. Allow the sugar to caramelise a little and become a pale golden brown, then remove from the heat and arrange the drained apple pieces in one layer over the bottom of the pan.
Place the pan in the oven and bake until the apples have softened a bit and started to release some liquid - about 10 minutes.
Remove from the oven and sprinkle over the remaining sugar and dot the butter on top. Remove the pastry from the freezer and, using the coarse side of a cheese grater, grate the pastry with long steady strokes over the apples until it forms an even layer at least 2.5cm/1 inch thick. Do not press down. Return to the oven, turn the heat down to 220C/425F/Gas 7 and bake until the pastry is golden brown - about 20 minutes. Remove from the oven and leave to rest for a minute or two.
Take a heatproof serving dish that is generously larger than the pan on all sides and place over the pan. Protecting your hands with a dry folded tea-towel, and holding the dish and pan firmly together, quickly and carefully flip the pan and the dish so that the pan is on top. Tap the pan sharply a few times all round with a wooden spoon, then lift off. The tart should be left on the serving dish with the apple on top.
Serve warm with double cream, crème fraîche or vanilla ice cream.
Moussaka
This moussaka is a cheat’s quick version. James Martin uses ready-made or leftover white sauce to speed up the process.
Ingredients
4 aubergines
olive oil
1 onion, chopped
2 cloves of garlic, crushed
450g/1 lb minced lamb
3 plum tomatoes, diced
pinch of cinnamon powder
pinch of cumin powder
1 glass of red wine
150ml/5fl oz chicken stock
200ml/7fl oz white sauce
2 eggs
pinch of nutmeg
100g/4oz grated cheese (half mozzarella, half Cheddar)
2 tbsp fresh mint, chopped
salt
freshly ground black pepper
Preparation method
Preheat the oven to 190C/375F/Gas5.
Slice the aubergines then fry them on both sides in a large pan with a little olive oil. Drain on kitchen paper. To save on washing up, use the same pan with a little more olive oil and fry off the onions and garlic.
After five minutes turn the heat up and add the lamb to brown it, then add the tomatoes. Add a good pinch of cumin and cinnamon with the wine and sauté together to break up the tomatoes. Add the chopped mint and the stock in stages.
In an ovenproof dish, layer the aubergines and lamb mince in a few layers, finishing with a layer of aubergines.
Combine the white sauce with the eggs, nutmeg and seasoning. Spoon over the top of the mince and then scatter with the grated cheese.
Bake in the oven 20-25minutes to colour the cheese and cook through.
Serve.
now one of our top designers...you go Victoria Beckham...
Victoria Beckham debuts 2nd line at New York Fashion Week | Mail Online
Worst First Date Ever! Jay Leno
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting
down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever,
first date or not!!!
We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car .
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood
on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could thin k about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to
the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some
assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time
date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought your first
date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'
Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car .
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood
on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could thin k about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to
the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some
assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time
date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought your first
date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'
Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because itââ,¬s bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"
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